It's so hard to feel spiritual some days. Everything is so normal and regular. Last Friday I had a day like that, and I was so "antsy" that I couldn't be still. I kept thinking about that season in my life when I was traveling several times a month, and I was grieving over why it wasn't happening now. It's hard to let go of what you think your life should be, but it's necessary to embrace what is happening now. I needed to acknowledge God in it. Maybe that part of my life is over and maybe I won't ever do that again, and what if it don't? Am I OK with that?
All this peace and quiet has affected us financially. I am amazed that after having two-thirds of our income removed that we are still making it. Our insurance premium just went up from $1500/month to $1650/month. My last editorial in SPREAD THE FIRE MAGAZINE has turned out to be prophetic. It was about being faithful when God turns out the lights. I want to be faithful in the dark. I don't want to "compass myself about with sparks" as Isaiah said by trying to light my own fire and having what I do dissipate into nothing in eternity. I'm jealous sometimes wondering if I've missed it. I'm looking for another job; but so far, there's no demand for folks with a resume like mine. (If you have one for me, let me know!)
On Saturday night at church the Lord began to direct the congregation to talk about "seeing" the same thing and flowing together in the unity of the Spirit. Rather than "how to," the folks were marvelling at the love God has created for each other and the peace that comes with it. As folks started sharing, it was as though Jesus Himself was speaking to me directly. The conversation was prophetic. The Lord was talking to me through the others without their even knowing it about allowing Him to define who I am and what I do at any moment in my life. Peace took hold in my heart again. I left the meeting later that night comforted and edified. I received a light on what God is doing in my life right now.
This sometimes unbearable lull is for a reason. God is redefining who I am to suit His wonderful ultimate purpose for my life. He loves me and has been showing me in ways that I haven't seen before until now in the quiet and simple and the one-to-one. Is that as important to Him as speaking to crowds?
Today I gave my undivided attention to my grandson, Liam, who was fascinated with a trip to the Carnegie Museum. I didn't take my eyes off him marvelling with him about the wonders he had seen and the ability to have a yearly pass to all the museums. He said, "Grandma, you are part of our family, so that means you can come with us, too, absolutely free!"
I didn't perform a sign or wonder today, instead I gave my grandson my undivided attention. If I can't do that at any time in my life and be content, what business do I have speaking to anybody?
Jesus didn't seem to care if He ministered to one person or a crowd. He seemed content to do whatever crossed His path seeing His Father's purpose in all of it. What if the pursuits that I think are fruitful really don't matter to Him at all? What if God has a purpose that we cannot see, and what if what we do even on normal days precisely fits in to the magnificent whole in His eyes? I think I need to "see" what He sees, how He "sees" it so that we can flow together. And even if He doesn't want to share with me the importance of what I'm doing, can I trust Him anyway?
I am learning to let go of the old definition of myself and embrace the one He has for me today even if I don't know what it is. It's not about knowing your destiny or office in the body of Christ. It's about simply obeying Him today just because I love Him.
